I Like Getting Old

Ten things I like about getting old.

Jeffrey Brushing His Teeth

Jeffrey Dobkin

By Jeffrey Dobkin

!0. You can fart in public and everyone thinks it’s OK. Just smile and say, “Hey – was that you? … Or me?” As long as you smile you can get away with it. Maybe it is OK, but I still sure catch hell for it at home.

9. It’s OK to talk to yourself. In fact, it’s practically expected. Young people expect old folks to talk to non-existent people standing beside them. Just keep looking up at the same place and pretty soon they’ll be looking around for the person you’re speaking to. If they ask you who you’re speaking to just look up and act surprised – and tell them your spouse was just there a minute ago.

8. You can drive really fast and not get a ticket. Face it, no one likes it when you drive 10 or 20 miles an hour UNDER the speed limit. You’re just in the way. When you drive fast, people appreciate it.

When you get pulled over, tell the cop you didn’t think you were driving that fast because you’re too old. Then tell him you haven’t gotten a ticket in 50 years. He’ll go and check, but his computer only goes back 10 years at best. He’ll come back and say, OK, just slow down. Well, it works for me, anyhow. Don’t get the same cop twice.

7. You can be cranky on occasion and no one notices. They just think you’re cranky cause you’re old, and something is either blocked up, leaks, or it hurts. Come to think of it, something always is either blocked up, leaks, or it hurts…

6. You can ride the train for a dollar, and bus rides are free. No kidding. Ask SEPTA about a senior pass, fill out the paperwork, and it’s a buck. Sometimes free.

5. Twentysomethings think you’re cute, and you’re not threatening. Unfortunately they don’t want to go out with you, but it’s still fun to kibbutz.

4. You can play with the kids, then give them back to their parents after you’re tired of playing with them or when their diaper is full, or yours is. It’s hard to do this in the train station with other people’s children, but it’s fun and fine with your own grandkids.

3. Your kids don’t expect you to walk the dog in the rain, or take out the trash because “it’s too heavy.”

2. Lap dances at Delilah’s are $10 off. Well, at least that’s what I’ve heard…

1. Viagra still works. Even when you don’t – you’ll be ready in just an hour.

Jeff Dobkin is a funny author who has written 700 books, mostly on direct marketing but a couple on humor. He’s also a great direct mail writer with lots of seasoning… er… I meant who is well seasoned. He can be reached at The Danielle Adams Publishing Company, 610-642-1000. Oh, wait… did I say 700 books? I meant 7 books. Sorry…

To visit Jeffrey Dobkin’s business website, please CLICK HERE.